28

I was just trying to survive 27. There wasn’t a plan, I was trying to make it through each day and week. Around the time I turned 27 I felt like I was unraveling, coming completely undone. I buried dreams and desires. My reality felt impossible. But I kept moving forward. I knew eventually I would be okay. I didn’t know how and I didn’t know when. But I trusted, I believed, I would be okay again someday. I could look back on my life and see how this has always been true. It didn’t make it easier, it just made it possible. One day the deep aches of my heart and mind would subside and I would be okay once more.

As 2022 began, I finally felt okay again. After months of resting. After months of praying. After months of fighting for me, I finally began to feel okay again. I breathed deep in the midst of this secure and steady place. Grateful to see, once again, the way God brought me through.

And now? Now I face 28. And 28 feels like hope. Hope for that which is better and brighter than I had dreamed of before. Hope that my tears watered the soil of whatever will bloom next in my heart and in my life. And while there is great joy in hoping once more it still seems scary. What if it all falls apart again? What if it’s another year of doors slammed in my face? What if the answer to every question is no? How could it possibly be safe to hope again?

But I know God to be good. I know God to be faithful. Even when I have hoped and found myself in pain, God has been present. So I choose to hope. To dream. To believe that this really will be the best year yet. I’m another year older. Another year wiser. Another year more sure of the goodness of God.

I’m not entirely sure of all I want to dream and hope for in year 28. But I know that as I pray and dream that there are so many dear friends who are doing so right alongside of me. Those who have sat with me on the worst days and will be ready with confetti poppers on the best days. Truly it is a gift to be so deeply known and loved.

So I’m glad 28 feels like hope. A fresh start. A year of new things, I just don’t know what they are. I’ll look for light. I’ll look for joy. I will sit with sorrow as it comes, but I know that I can look to the horizon, looking for the new day dawning. And that’s what this hope of 28 has felt like. Sitting in the dark of the night, mug of coffee in hand, beginning to watch the sunrise and illuminate all that’s ahead of me. And I am deeply grateful.