risk

I smashed a mug on New Year’s Eve. We waited until half time of the Georgia game. And with all my might I threw that mug to the ground. As I watched it shatter, I felt more whole. I left the shattered pieces there and walked away.

2021 left me feeling shattered. My word for the year was courage. Being courageous meant asking for help and walking away. Stepping back and resting. It wasn’t what we normally think of for courage, but it was exactly what I needed. I looked at my life, seemingly in pieces around me, wondering when the mess and pain would finally be cleared up.

2022 was going to be different. The year of risk. It wasn’t a word I would have chosen, but I am grateful that Erin chose it for me. 2022 would be the year I took risks, following the deep passions and dreams that my heart held. I was going to be bold and step in directions I didn’t think of, or take bigger steps than I normally would dare.

I was hoping that would mean some big dreams would come true. Hoping that maybe there would be some big changes in 2022. And while there were some changes, much has stayed the same. But I look back on this year knowing I took risks, knowing I took some steps in faith, both big and small. Like Ms. Frizzle suggested, I took chances, made mistakes, and got messy. And in the process I discovered more of what I want from my life.

In 2022, I picked up the jagged pieces from 2021 that I was too scared to touch then, the brokenness I wasn’t ready to face. It hurts to look your pain in the face, to look directly at the harm caused. But I took the risk. I was honest with myself and those I trust deeply, willing to sit in the midst of the mess with me.

As I began to pick up the pieces of my smashed mug, I began to think of all the jagged pieces I picked up the past couple of years. And as I looked up, I saw Natalie picking up the pieces with me and I thought of all the ways that she, and others, have picked up the pieces with me over the years. It has been incredibly difficult, but I’ve done it anyway. And I am so incredibly proud of myself. There have been so many tears. But there has also been an abundance of laughter. Joy can always be found and for this I am immensely grateful.

Taking risks has certainly paid off this year. I started a new job that I absolutely love.I had my first piece published in a magazine. I found healing and wholeness in some pretty unexpected places and ways. They weren’t the risks I expected to take, but I’m glad I took them anyways.

And that’s why I felt more whole as I watched that mug shatter. It was connected to the past, to pain. And those parts of me have been on the road to healing. A smashed mug was one last risk, the belief that the past is behind me and that what’s ahead will be far better. So here’s to 2023 and all it will hold. And if you decide you need to smash a mug this year, I’m here to cheer you on.