I've decided to celebrate instead

January is not my favorite month. It’s cold and still fairly dark out, neither of which I love.

January is also when everyone decides to hit the reset button, to make changes, create goals,

and become a whole new person. There isn’t anything necessarily wrong with any of those

things. But what frustrates me is how January seems to be a constant reminder to hate my

body. I scroll through social media as people talk about the healthy habits they want to have. I

get push ads for gyms, fitness apps, detoxes, and anything else designed to make me thin and

pretty. And I think about all the Januarys I wanted that. Each new year beginning with me

wishing, hoping, and praying that this would be the year I would get it right, finally I would be on

track to be thin. And then it wouldn’t happen. I would fail and be so angry and disappointed in

myself. Adding to all the hate and shame I already felt. But January would come around again

and I would find myself still hoping and dreaming of the day I would be thin and all the benefits

that would give me.

I placed so much hope in this desire to be thin. I honestly thought it would solve all of my

problems. If I were thin I would be pretty. I’d be loved, I’d be wanted. People would want to be

my friend. I wouldn’t have so many reasons to hate myself. Losing weight was the clear solution

to all of my problems.

Until it became clear that it wasn’t. The year after I graduated from college I did pretty well with

my weight loss plan. I was exercising. I was counting calories. I was being complimented and

cheered on. And at first I was so excited. With every pound lost there was hope that my life

would improve. But it didn’t. In so many ways I was unhealthy at that time in my life. I remember

how excited I would get when I got the notification that I hadn’t consumed enough calories for

the day. And friends, that wasn’t okay. And it wasn’t healthy. And it wasn’t loving towards my

body. While I am grateful that restrictive eating didn’t last much past that year, it took longer to

delete the tracking app, and longer to deal with the shame and hatred that came with it.

I didn’t love myself or my body. Instead I was continually shaming her. Telling her she deserved

to be punished, simply for existing and showing up as she was. And I lived a lot of my life that

way. It has taken time to love my body, to speak kindly to her. To feed her well. To exercise as a

form of celebration, not as a punishment.

So I’ve decided that this year I want to celebrate all my body has done and can do. And I want

to encourage you to do the same, especially if you’re not a big fan of January either. For me this

is a far better way to start the year, to celebrate what has been done in order to prepare for

whatever may come in the future. So here’s my list, or at least the start of it.

My body has enabled me to:

- Hug my friends and family. Holding them in joy and in sorrow.

- Cook meals for myself and others.

- Dance simply because dancing is the best.

- Laugh. At really dumb jokes, funny stories, and everything in between.

- Cry. Tears of pain and excitement because both are a necessary and holy thing.

- Breathe. Something simple but with asthma that just isn’t always the case.

- Run a half marathon which felt impossible but ended up being so empowering.

- Shake hands. To meet people, to make them feel welcome.

- Place my hands on another person’s shoulder, to pray, to say that we’re in this together.

- Receive communion. To remember that Christ died so I may live and live abundantly.

- Set up tables and chairs in order to foster community.

- Take out the trash in order to serve those around me.

- Clean dishes, bathrooms, bedrooms, and living rooms for my benefit and the benefit of

others.

- Ears to listen to all that has been told to me. Stories filled with joy, sorrow, and the

everyday.

- A body that lets me be physically present, on good days and bad, for people when they

just need to know someone is there for them.

My body has carried me through so much. Endured so much. Even when I was the one causing

her harm. This list is simply the beginning. Giving my body recognition she deserves. She’s

carried me through so much and I am choosing to love her for it. And I hope you are able to see

all that your body has carried you through. And if you need some help seeing it for yourself, truly

I would love nothing more than to sit with you and figure out all you can celebrate. So here’s to

loving our bodies and loving ourselves more each day. There is beauty to be found in who we

are right now.