rain and repeated prayers

I find great comfort in grey skies. There is something about a storm that I find deeply reassuring. I know most people would say the opposite. For many storms bring fear and anxiety. But for me, there is something about the flash of lightning and boom of thunder that fills me with wonder and peace.

And every time it storms I decide that it's storming just for me. That God has sent a storm just to make me smile. Lately, I feel like there have been far more storms than normal. Or maybe I have simply found myself in a season where I am keenly aware of how God sees me. And as a result the storms seem far more frequent. I can’t say I’m mad about it.

Being seen, being heard, is abundantly important to me (hi my name is Mallory and I’m an enneagram 9). I have spent much of my life quietly moving through my days, often going unnoticed. This is not to say there haven’t been plenty of people along the way who have seen and heard me. And there have been plenty of times I wanted to go unseen. It is interesting to go through life on the edge, unsure of whether or not you’re being noticed. But recently it has become more clear to me that I am seen and heard.

I think that’s why I love the story of Hagar so much. We read about a woman who is cast aside but so clearly seen and helped by God. She then declares that God is the God who sees. The first person to name God is a woman who thought she was invisible. That is a story I want to sit with. That is a God I want to know.

My life is nothing like Hagar’s. But, I too know this God who sees. A God who sees and who does not forget. A God who knows I love thunderstorms. A God who is keenly aware of what I am experiencing in life. Each storm has been a reminder that God has and continues to see me. That God has never once forgotten about me and what I am experiencing.

And this has been a gift in a year of what feels like repeated prayers. I spoke with a friend recently about how it seems we are each praying the same prayer over and over and over again. At times it feels exhausting. At this point God should know my prayer well. Honestly, there are days when I am tired of saying it again. And yet every time I begin to feel this way it seems a storm rolls in, a reminder for me that I am seen and heard.

So I will continue to find great comfort in grey skies, in knowing I am seen and heard. And for me, that matters deeply. So I will continue with my repeated prayers, my big dreams, and deep hope for what is to come. Even though I don’t have all the answers I may want, I know I can dance in the rain while I wait.