Soulmates? Maybe not...

Do you believe in soulmates? It isn’t a question I get asked often. And yet this month I spent two weeks talking about just that. Maybe it’s because Valentine’s was fast approaching. Maybe it was just up on the docket of conversations to be had. So, I decided to really sit with the question. To think about what it meant and what it meant to me. I would rather sit with something that feels uncomfortable instead of avoiding it.

I spent two weeks listening to what other people thought while I let my own thoughts swirl in my brain, occasionally adding an idea or question to what was being said. And I have decided that I don’t believe in soulmates. Or at least not in the way most people would define the term. When most people hear ‘soulmate’ they think of a romantic partner, that one person you are made for and meant to be with. And it sounds nice, but I find it incredibly limiting. What do we say about people who lose a spouse and get remarried? What about those who remain single - whether it’s by choice or not? How can this definition of soulmate apply to them? How does one hope or live their life always in search of ‘the one’? Maybe soulmate just needed a different definition if I was going to use it.

As I write this I am not married and I am not dating anyone. And there is still a deep richness in my life because of the relationships I do have. Singleness has not made my life less than or subpar, in no way do I lack love. Often it seems that outside observers believe that I must be missing something without a romantic partner, but I am here to say that isn’t true. I have friendships that have withstood the test of time and distance. Friendships that have made me a better woman. And for these friendships I am deeply grateful.

Could these friends be my soulmates? Instead of a romantic partner, what if I have friends who have decided to show up and stick with me, no matter what comes our way? Perhaps my friends are my soulmates through this gift of commitment and consistency. Maybe, just maybe, a soulmate is someone who adds to my life in a rich and meaningful way. So at the end of the day I’ve got a few soulmates. A handful of people who add incredible value to my life. Who refresh and recharge my weary soul. Who cheer me on and catch me when I fall. Shifting the definition and shifting the mindset behind it opens up new possibilities.

My marital status should not be the determining factor in whether I have people committed to doing life with me. People who are deeply invested in me and I in them. And that seems to be what people think soulmates are about “one person to journey through life with.” Even if a romantic partner comes along, I do not want to abandon or devalue these friendships that have already been such an important part of my life. As a single woman I don’t get left behind or forgotten. Who I am right now is seen and honored. And that matters. These friends I would call soulmates matter. These relationships matter and don’t have to be devalued because they aren’t romantic.

And perhaps that is the bigger issue in this conversation for me. Not that romantic soulmates don’t exist. But by claiming that they do, all these incredible friendships are, often, seen as a cheap substitute until I can stumble upon “the real thing.” And that simply is not the case. I have already found the real thing. I am already living with the benefits of a soulmate. Friends who pour into my life, making it far richer than I could have ever dreamed. And I am incredibly grateful for them. And I want others to benefit as well. So I say that we all spend some time investing in friendships. Focus on some of the gifts right in front of us instead of simply trying to find ‘the one.’