margin

Perhaps the most repeated conversation I have is about maintaining margin in my life. I know it all began with Erin - she was Sunshine's Mom. And she had a cottage filled to the brim with young women doing it all. I'm fairly certain that between the 10 of us we touched almost every aspect of Berry College. But doing it all meant that most of the time we were doing too much. Most of us were absolute pros at filling our calendars and planners to capacity. Erin was the first person to ever ask me about how much margin I had in my life. She was the first person to wonder how I created space to breathe, to rest, in the midst of everything else I was doing. Honestly, it felt like a foreign concept.

And some days it still feels like a foreign concept. I never got good at maintaining margin in college. I tried. I made some small steps but it was a long journey I was embarking on. What I didn't realize then (and what I honestly fully realized a few weeks ago) was that the reason I didn't rest is because I didn't feel like I deserved to rest. I wasn't good enough to rest. Busyness and over committing was simply the price I had to pay. Maybe if I was thinner, kinder, and smarter I could rest. But I wasn't there yet so my calendar had to stay filled.

Learning to rest, working to create margin, has been an integral part of the journey I have been on to love myself, and my body, well. There's no way Erin could have known that all those years ago when I was sitting in her office.

But when you actively care for a whole person you are teaching them how to do it for themselves, and that is a gift that lasts forever.

I've begun to wonder if learning to make margin was how I've been able to learn to fully love myself. Making margin isn't just about creating time and space to breathe, though I am deeply grateful for that. But it can also be about actively working to re-charge.

I am worth taking the time to recharge. My body is worthy of rest. Productivity and busyness will not enhance my worth. These are the lessons I wish I had learned sooner.

My worth has never once been found in my intelligence, my character, or the size of my body. I never once had to earn the rest I needed. I am not sure where I learned that my ability to rest was tied to my intelligence, character, or appearance. Perhaps it was the media I was consuming or what I was viewing in the world around me. But the belief was deeply entrenched and though I have been working against it, I didn’t fully realize it was there. I am grateful for the clarity I have now. I am even more grateful for Erin, and others, who have called me to a life that has margin, that has rest built into it.

Learning to care for myself, mind, body, and soul, has been a sweet gift. It has meant that I say no when my calendar gets too full. Sometimes I cancel plans when weeks have gone differently than I planned and I no longer have the capacity to do what I thought I could. It means taking time to be by myself. And the more time I have spent by myself the more I have been able to better love who I am, who I have been, and who I am becoming. In creating margin, I have cultivated the space I needed to better love who I am, completely. The journey has been long, and it isn’t over yet, but I am deeply grateful for the lessons I have learned and the way I am able to live now.

rain and repeated prayers

I find great comfort in grey skies. There is something about a storm that I find deeply reassuring. I know most people would say the opposite. For many storms bring fear and anxiety. But for me, there is something about the flash of lightning and boom of thunder that fills me with wonder and peace.

And every time it storms I decide that it's storming just for me. That God has sent a storm just to make me smile. Lately, I feel like there have been far more storms than normal. Or maybe I have simply found myself in a season where I am keenly aware of how God sees me. And as a result the storms seem far more frequent. I can’t say I’m mad about it.

Being seen, being heard, is abundantly important to me (hi my name is Mallory and I’m an enneagram 9). I have spent much of my life quietly moving through my days, often going unnoticed. This is not to say there haven’t been plenty of people along the way who have seen and heard me. And there have been plenty of times I wanted to go unseen. It is interesting to go through life on the edge, unsure of whether or not you’re being noticed. But recently it has become more clear to me that I am seen and heard.

I think that’s why I love the story of Hagar so much. We read about a woman who is cast aside but so clearly seen and helped by God. She then declares that God is the God who sees. The first person to name God is a woman who thought she was invisible. That is a story I want to sit with. That is a God I want to know.

My life is nothing like Hagar’s. But, I too know this God who sees. A God who sees and who does not forget. A God who knows I love thunderstorms. A God who is keenly aware of what I am experiencing in life. Each storm has been a reminder that God has and continues to see me. That God has never once forgotten about me and what I am experiencing.

And this has been a gift in a year of what feels like repeated prayers. I spoke with a friend recently about how it seems we are each praying the same prayer over and over and over again. At times it feels exhausting. At this point God should know my prayer well. Honestly, there are days when I am tired of saying it again. And yet every time I begin to feel this way it seems a storm rolls in, a reminder for me that I am seen and heard.

So I will continue to find great comfort in grey skies, in knowing I am seen and heard. And for me, that matters deeply. So I will continue with my repeated prayers, my big dreams, and deep hope for what is to come. Even though I don’t have all the answers I may want, I know I can dance in the rain while I wait.

slow and steady

This time last year I was leaving a job for the sake of my mental health. I was not okay and both my mind and body were suffering. I was going a million miles a minute and I knew I needed a change. I decided to try and slow my life down, I wanted to go from surviving to thriving. I wasn’t sure how I would get there, but I was confident that God was capable of orchestrating more than I was imagining for myself. I described to a dear friend recently that it felt like my fire went out and I was left with embers. And I was okay with just embers, there might not have been much left but there was still something there. I knew that the fire could blaze again, I just needed time.

Johnnyswim released a new album recently and my favorite song is ‘Slow.’ I recognize that this song is about a couple but the opening verse describes so well where I feel I am in life right now that I’ll listen to it on repeat all day.

I’ve been sleepin’ in more than I have

I’ve been dreamin’ dreams again

I’ve been makin’ space, I’ve been savin’ room

Now I can breathe again

Over the past year I have slowly been able to find rest, true rest. Not just being able to sleep through the night, although that has been a gift as well. Being able to truly rest has given me the capacity to dream again. I have been able to make space and create room for different things in my life. Truly, I feel as though I can breathe again and breathe deep, not some shallow breath.

I am grateful for this gift of being able to go slow. To take my time, to rest, to heal, and to be made whole once more. As I look back on this year I could not possibly even begin to put into words all that God has done. I am confident that I did the right thing in quitting my job, even though I had nothing lined up, in order to take care of myself. It was scary and stressful to not know when I would work again or what kind of job I would have. I was told ‘no’ more than I wanted and it honestly sucked. With every no I was believing for a better yes for myself. A yes that would bring life and joy and for me that was worth waiting for. I am grateful I had the opportunity and ability to wait for this.

Now I have a job I love, technically I have two jobs that I love. Both bring me joy. Both make me come alive in completely different ways. Each one speaks to a different part of my heart and passions. Each day I am able to do something that fills my cup and that is a sweet gift. In both jobs I am deeply appreciated and told that I am appreciated. For this I am grateful. It makes it far easier to show up with my full self when I know that my full self is wanted and needed in the jobs that I have.

I have had more than one friend recently tell me how much happier I seem to them. The difference a year makes is incredible. A year filled with slowing down and taking care of myself. Doing both of these has allowed me to step more fully into who I am and who I believe God has called me to be. There are a number of things I am dreaming of doing that I can’t do just yet, but to have the capacity to dream again has been incredible. I feel as though I have been given this incredible gift of time and capacity to think in order to see where I want to go.

They say slow and steady wins the race, and that may be true, but I think slow and steady is also the perfect pace for coming alive and dreaming again. And that’s the race I want to win, the race to become who I am meant to be. I am loving who I am and who I am becoming. And I hope that wherever you may be that you are able to daily step into more of who you are meant to be as well. I’m cheering you on in this slow and steady race of life.