free

When I was 17

I finally felt freedom

No longer bound

By pain or shame

Instead walking in light

In love

But then I turned 20

And I found a different freedom

I was free to be a woman

Deeply loved by God

Never viewed as less than

What if

Freedom is something

That grows as we grow

Slowly expanding

To meet our changing needs

Because then I was 23

And I found freedom

All over again

Doing what was best for me

Saying yes to new dreams

Acknowledging deep passions

Now I’m 28

With an unexpected encounter

Freedom found once more

Stepping more into

Who I am meant to be

Loving her dearly

In part because of

Every ounce of freedom

Gained along the way

So maybe freedom comes in waves

Because I know it better now

Than when I first discovered it

28

I was just trying to survive 27. There wasn’t a plan, I was trying to make it through each day and week. Around the time I turned 27 I felt like I was unraveling, coming completely undone. I buried dreams and desires. My reality felt impossible. But I kept moving forward. I knew eventually I would be okay. I didn’t know how and I didn’t know when. But I trusted, I believed, I would be okay again someday. I could look back on my life and see how this has always been true. It didn’t make it easier, it just made it possible. One day the deep aches of my heart and mind would subside and I would be okay once more.

As 2022 began, I finally felt okay again. After months of resting. After months of praying. After months of fighting for me, I finally began to feel okay again. I breathed deep in the midst of this secure and steady place. Grateful to see, once again, the way God brought me through.

And now? Now I face 28. And 28 feels like hope. Hope for that which is better and brighter than I had dreamed of before. Hope that my tears watered the soil of whatever will bloom next in my heart and in my life. And while there is great joy in hoping once more it still seems scary. What if it all falls apart again? What if it’s another year of doors slammed in my face? What if the answer to every question is no? How could it possibly be safe to hope again?

But I know God to be good. I know God to be faithful. Even when I have hoped and found myself in pain, God has been present. So I choose to hope. To dream. To believe that this really will be the best year yet. I’m another year older. Another year wiser. Another year more sure of the goodness of God.

I’m not entirely sure of all I want to dream and hope for in year 28. But I know that as I pray and dream that there are so many dear friends who are doing so right alongside of me. Those who have sat with me on the worst days and will be ready with confetti poppers on the best days. Truly it is a gift to be so deeply known and loved.

So I’m glad 28 feels like hope. A fresh start. A year of new things, I just don’t know what they are. I’ll look for light. I’ll look for joy. I will sit with sorrow as it comes, but I know that I can look to the horizon, looking for the new day dawning. And that’s what this hope of 28 has felt like. Sitting in the dark of the night, mug of coffee in hand, beginning to watch the sunrise and illuminate all that’s ahead of me. And I am deeply grateful.

Soulmates? Maybe not...

Do you believe in soulmates? It isn’t a question I get asked often. And yet this month I spent two weeks talking about just that. Maybe it’s because Valentine’s was fast approaching. Maybe it was just up on the docket of conversations to be had. So, I decided to really sit with the question. To think about what it meant and what it meant to me. I would rather sit with something that feels uncomfortable instead of avoiding it.

I spent two weeks listening to what other people thought while I let my own thoughts swirl in my brain, occasionally adding an idea or question to what was being said. And I have decided that I don’t believe in soulmates. Or at least not in the way most people would define the term. When most people hear ‘soulmate’ they think of a romantic partner, that one person you are made for and meant to be with. And it sounds nice, but I find it incredibly limiting. What do we say about people who lose a spouse and get remarried? What about those who remain single - whether it’s by choice or not? How can this definition of soulmate apply to them? How does one hope or live their life always in search of ‘the one’? Maybe soulmate just needed a different definition if I was going to use it.

As I write this I am not married and I am not dating anyone. And there is still a deep richness in my life because of the relationships I do have. Singleness has not made my life less than or subpar, in no way do I lack love. Often it seems that outside observers believe that I must be missing something without a romantic partner, but I am here to say that isn’t true. I have friendships that have withstood the test of time and distance. Friendships that have made me a better woman. And for these friendships I am deeply grateful.

Could these friends be my soulmates? Instead of a romantic partner, what if I have friends who have decided to show up and stick with me, no matter what comes our way? Perhaps my friends are my soulmates through this gift of commitment and consistency. Maybe, just maybe, a soulmate is someone who adds to my life in a rich and meaningful way. So at the end of the day I’ve got a few soulmates. A handful of people who add incredible value to my life. Who refresh and recharge my weary soul. Who cheer me on and catch me when I fall. Shifting the definition and shifting the mindset behind it opens up new possibilities.

My marital status should not be the determining factor in whether I have people committed to doing life with me. People who are deeply invested in me and I in them. And that seems to be what people think soulmates are about “one person to journey through life with.” Even if a romantic partner comes along, I do not want to abandon or devalue these friendships that have already been such an important part of my life. As a single woman I don’t get left behind or forgotten. Who I am right now is seen and honored. And that matters. These friends I would call soulmates matter. These relationships matter and don’t have to be devalued because they aren’t romantic.

And perhaps that is the bigger issue in this conversation for me. Not that romantic soulmates don’t exist. But by claiming that they do, all these incredible friendships are, often, seen as a cheap substitute until I can stumble upon “the real thing.” And that simply is not the case. I have already found the real thing. I am already living with the benefits of a soulmate. Friends who pour into my life, making it far richer than I could have ever dreamed. And I am incredibly grateful for them. And I want others to benefit as well. So I say that we all spend some time investing in friendships. Focus on some of the gifts right in front of us instead of simply trying to find ‘the one.’